is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
