Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
