I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
