I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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