somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
