I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
