I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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