Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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