I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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