Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
