i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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