i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
