I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
