You just made me feel so damn special
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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