Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
