Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
my poor anus
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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