I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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