He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
