I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
birth control should be required to get into college
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
