Need sex. Gaining weight.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
