just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
