We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
