Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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