its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
