The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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