and you said cock pushups were impossible
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
whose ass print is on the piano?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
