I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
