So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
