I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
