there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
