at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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