You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
