Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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