We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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