Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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