did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
