dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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