Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
