Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
