i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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