it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
