Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
