I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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