I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
