so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
