new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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