I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
