i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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