dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
