If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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