Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize