a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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