how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
