I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
