so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
