We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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