I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
