you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
