question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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