this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
