Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
