If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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