so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
