Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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