Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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