Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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