I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
