Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
